I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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