His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i believe in u and ur pee
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
