apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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