so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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