the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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