Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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