i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
