all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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