I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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