Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
