i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
