Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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