Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
