My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
