On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
