She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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