Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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