Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
