Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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