I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
