Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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