YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
