I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
