Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
