no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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