two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
