If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
