I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You are the jesus of drinking
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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