if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
