Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
