you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
