My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
