you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
