I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
