i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
