I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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