I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
