just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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