Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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