I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
