I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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