she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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