I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
