Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
