Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
