He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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