He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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