My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
