Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize