Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
