Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
