you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
