She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
