Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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