Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize