My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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