when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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