Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
