I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
