Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
