Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
