Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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