pop tarts are not kleenex
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
