I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
